29 August 2013

TMB Condemns Celebrity Big Brother

The Tripe Marketing Board is to complain to the UK TV regulator OFCOM following scenes aired on last night's Celebrity Big Brother in which contestants were forced to bathe in a tub of offal and tripe.

Tripe Marketing Board chairman Sir Norman Wrassle said, "My enjoyment of Celebrity Big Brother was spoilt by yet another example of our fine product being presented in a negative light in the media. 

Copyright: Daily Star
"It is interesting that the first person to give up the trial was Loose Ends star Carol McGiffin who had to sit in a bath full of maggots rather than Louis Spencer  and  Dublin Wives star Danielle Marr who sat in the bath of tripe. This suggests that bathing in tripe is something to be enjoyed not endured.

"When we asked the producers to feature tripe in the programme, we did not think it would be used in this way. We will be asking for a full refund. On a more positive note, I thought Courtney Stodden looked delightful in her bathing suit. If she is looking for promotional work when the show ends, we'd be more than interested in talking to her."
 

28 August 2013

TMB Denies Product Placement Allegations

Spatchcock TV Productions
The Tripe Marketing Board has denied reports that it paid a TV production company a three-figure sum as part of a product placement strategy designed to make tripe appealing to younger consumers.

"It would be fantastic if tripe suddenly popped up on programmes for a younger audience such as Restoration Home or Antiques Roadshow.   We certainly need to get our message across to the under 85s if we are to make 2014 the Year of Tripe.  But quite frankly we don't have the budget for such things and our fine product would probably become the subject of ridicule and mockery," said TMB chairman, Sir Norman Wrassle.

The last time the TMB attempted such an exercise it ended in disaster when noted vegetarian, author and former model Katie Cutprice collapsed and had to be put on a respirator when she was forced to eat a plate of tripe as part of the Foul Food Challenge on the Spatchcock TV programme, I’m Famous — Put A Wasp In My Mouth (broadcast only in Germany).  She swore so much that at least two elderly viewers collapsed and the programme had to be taken off air for 20 minutes. Subsequent series dropped tripe in favour of elephant testicles and snake vomit.

Sir Norman said: "We've learned our lesson. Many people find tripe scary, that's why we have concentrated our efforts mainly on getting coverage on radio and BBC3."

The Philosophy of Tripe

Food historians working at the Wigan School of Home Economics have revealed that Jeremy Bentham was a big fan of tripe.

A project to digitise and transcribe recipes from Bentham's copious notebooks at UCL shows that the noted British philosopher and social reformer was partial to a bit of tripe.

Dr Miriam Stottard, WHSE
Dr Miriam Stottard, from the faculty of Applied Economics and Food Hygiene at the WSHE, said: "This is exciting news.  We'll be working to update the recipes to convert them to metric and to make them more suitable for the jaded palates of 21st century consumers - perhaps by including a few splashes of Psycho Juice or a kumquat."

Tests of the recipes in Wigan have taken longer than expected, as Bentham includes no details of how long the dishes should be cooked for and vague quantities such as 'Spice: 1' haven't helped.  "He's also very unspecific about the gas mark they should be cooked at.  Nevertheless, we're confident we'll have the recipes ready to take to the table by 2014," Dr Stottard said.

John Murray, Head of Product Development at the Tripe Marketing Board, said: "When the nation wakes up to the possibilities of tripe, they won't believe what they've been missing!"

Devonshire Pie 11/2lb

Ingredients
Gooseberries 2qts 3
lights 1lb 1
smelt 1lb 1
tripe 1lb 1
onions 1
spice 1

Method

Lay the ingredients in layers in a dish and cover it with a potato cover.

If you would like more ideas for cooking with tripe, why not buy the TMB's 2014 Diary*, which includes recipes contributed by Dame Tanni Grey-Thompson and Rev Richard Coles?  Mr Murray said: "We know that a lot of tripe lovers also enjoy dates, so we are collaborating with the Date Marketing Board Bureau of Tunisia to develop tripe tangine recipes. Watch this space."


* At least 10% of the profits from the sale of the Diary will be donated to the Snowdon Trust, a charity supporting educational opportunities for people with disabilities.

27 August 2013

Blackpool Gets Behind Tripe

Sales of tripe have risen in Blackpool this summer, according to independent meat specialist Nigel Wilkinson, based in Holmfield Road, Blackpool.

In a report to the Tripe Marketing Board, Mr Wilkinson said: "Tripe has been gaining in popularity in our shop this summer and we are now selling more than ever before."

Blackpool's Backing Tripe
The news comes as a vindication of the TMB's decision to sponsor Blackpool South FC as part of its 'summer of tripe and sport' campaign which has seen key sportspeople getting behind tripe. TMB chief executive Mr Bryan Atkinson, speaking during his fact-finding trip to Russia, said: "This is wonderful news.  We may even have turned an important corner in the fight to get tripe back onto the dinner tables of Britain. But we shouldn't get complacent.  If we haven't turned it, then the corner is very much in sight and, when we do turn it, we will probably have a few more corners facing us before our goal is reached."

Mr Atkinson has been using his trip to generate new ideas for promoting tripe to the people of Britain and promised he would have 'one or two surprises lined up' on his return in September. "Tripe's definitely going places!" he said.



New Blood Needed To Help Make 2014 The Year of Tripe

The Tripe Marketing Board is seeking new board members following the surprise retirement of Professor Ron Harrison and a number of other long-standing members of the board.

TMB chairman, Sir Norman Wrassle, said: "We're very sad that Ron has decided to leave his position as vice-chairman.  I would like to thank him for helping us to promote tripe over the last two decades.  His contribution will be sadly missed.  I also want to thank Arthur Melling, Ralph Gittings and Barry Toombs who have also decided it is time to hang up their tripe-dressing aprons to spend more time with their families."

Sir Norman was speaking after returning from a brief holiday in the Cotswolds, where he took the opportunity to promote the TMB's 2014 Diary, which is now available to order from all good bookshops and online.

The Diary features dozens of tripe facts and articles on tripe and sport, tripe and fashion and tripe in the news, as well as recipes for tripe contributed by Dame Tanni Grey-Thompson and the Rev Richard Coles.

At least 10% of profits from sales of the Diary will be donated to the Snowdon Trust, which supports educational opportunities for people with disabilities.  Due to popular demand, it also includes Sir Norman's letter to cricketing commentator David 'Bumble' Lloyd which entertained the Sky Cricket audience when it was read out by Mr Lloyd during his commentary on the Third Test from Old Trafford.

"Whilst I was away, I spoke to many people and I was heartened by the renewed interest in tripe.  We need younger, more energetic people if our campaign to make 2014 the Year of Tripe is to be successful," Sir Norman said.

The TMB will now move to fill the places on its board through a public advertising campaign. Applications are particularly encouraged from people under the age of 85.

26 August 2013

Tripe To Challenge Deep Fried Mars Bar and Porridge

The Tripe Marketing Board has issued a challenge to the winner of the forthcoming contest between Scottish favourites deep fried Mars bar and porridge to determine which food is best for the brain.

Professor Matthew Walters, director of the Scottish Stroke Research Network, is to conduct research which will compare the effects of eating fried chocolate and porridge, another traditional Scottish delicacy, on blood vessels in the brain.


TMB vice-chairman Professor Ron Harrison said, “We already know that tripe is the food of top athletes and that it increases libido. We also believe it’s good for the brain. Some of the greatest minds who ever lived have been partial to tripe including Albert Einstein, Sir Isaac Newton and  Socrates (the philosopher not the Brazilian footballer).  


"We’re challenging the winner of Professor Walters’ experiment – whether it’s deep fried Mars bar or porridge  – to take on tripe in a Battle of Britain. And we're confident tripe will give it a damn good hiding.”

25 August 2013

TMB To Investigate Corruption Claims

The Tripe Marketing Board has said it will thoroughly investigate claims made in today’s Lancashire press that chairman Sir Norman Wrassle has been accepting payments for endorsing other businesses on Twitter.

It is also alleged that Sir Norman is autocratic and becoming increasingly eccentric. One TMB director is quoted as saying Sir Norman treats the TMB like his personal fiefdom and “does what the hell he likes.”


Sir Norman is currently on holiday in the Cotswolds with his family and was unavailable for comment.

24 August 2013

TMB Issues Apology

The Tripe Marketing Board would like to apologise unreservedly to its Twitter followers for the unprofessional conduct of a member of staff who tweeted under the influence of alcohol  last night.

The member of staff was tweeting at speeds in excess of 60 tweets per minute. This led to the abrupt termination of last night’s service when the daily twitter limit of 1,000 tweets per day was reached at around 10pm.


TMB vice-chairman Professor Ron Harrison said, “This sort of conduct is totally unacceptable and violates a fundamental principle we instill in our staff never to tweet under the influence of alcohol. 


"The person in question was discovered by the cleaner in the early hours of this morning fast asleep at his desk. He had broken into our chairman’s drinks cabinet and consumed several bottles of brown ale as well as two bottles of red wine. The twiglets, however, were untouched. The person in question has been suspended until further notice.

"We would also like to apologise for announcing that the Beefstock Festival of Music and Tripe would be taking place this Bank Holiday weekend as it has for the last 44 years. The Festival has in fact been cancelled. We regret that we are unable to reimburse anybody who travelled to the venue as a result of this misinformation."

22 August 2013

New Era Dawns For Dates And Tripe

The Tripe Marketing Board yesterday concluded an historic partnership deal with the Date Marketing Bureau of Tunisia.

Prof Ron Harrison and Mr Hummer
The arrangement was agreed following co-operation between the TMB and the DMB to produce the Tripe Marketing Board 2014 Diary, which is now available to purchase here.

TMB vice-chairman, Professor Ron Harrison, said: "We believe there is a great future for tripe and dates. This agreement marks the beginning of an era of greater co-operation between the world of dried fruit and tripe. Our Product Development Division will be working round the clock to come up with recipes which will tempt even the most jaded palates."

DMB President, Mr Youssef ben Hummer said: "We were happy to contribute our expertise and our choicest dates to the TMB 2014 Diary project and look forward to many years of successful partnership together."

The TMB 2014 Diary contains a minimum of 365 dates and costs just £5.99.  Professor Harrison said: "We challenge anybody to find cheaper dates elsewhere - even in Lidl."

20 August 2013

It's Official. Tripe Is The Ultimate Comedy Food

Research by Professor Richard Hawkins at the University of Wigan has found that tripe is the ultimate comedy food.
Kippers

Professor Hawkins placed dishes of a selection of foods in front of 100 randomly selected individuals and monitored their response using sophisticated equipment developed by researchers at Kansai University.


The results were as follows:

  1. Tripe
  2. Bananas
  3. Kippers
  4. Haggis
  5. Blancmange
  6. Cheese strings
  7. Prunes
  8. Sprouts
  9. Scotch eggs
  10. Cowheels
Tripe Marketing Board chairman Sir Norman Wrassle said, “This invaluable piece of research confirms what we have known for a long time. Tripe is the Jimmy Carr of the food world.  It Inspires laughter and revulsion in equal measure.

“This bodes well for our chances of success at the British Comedy Foods Awards later this year.”

19 August 2013

TMB Offices Burgled Again

The Tripe Marketing Board’s offices have been burgled for the third time in as many weeks. Thieves made off with a large quantity of pens which had only been delivered on Friday.

The pens are highly prized and a much sought after item.


Police have ruled out the possibility that it is the work of a group of militant vegans and believe that the prime suspects are a number of individuals who hold Twitter accounts who have been demanding them for the last few weeks. A list of names has been supplied to the police.

18 August 2013

TMB Denies Dragon’s Den Rumours

Sir Norman Wrassle
Tripe Marketing Board chairman Sir Norman Wrassle has denied rumours that he turned down the opportunity to appear in the latest series of the popular BBC TV series, Dragons Den.  

In an informal 'podcast' interview with Offal Online, Sir Norman said: Dragons Den is one of my favourite TV programmes and I would love to be on it. I’ve got all the qualities needed to become a dragon. I am tall, can be grumpy at times and quite enjoy humiliating people. But above all, I am very wealthy - one of the 100 wealthiest residents of the Fylde, in fact.

Responding to criticism that he did not have the face for television he said: “It seems to me that in the latest series the producers are going for looks and I certainly can’t compete with Kelly Hoppen or the new young man in that department.   But if they ever change their criteria and are looking for an old school businessman, someone who’s made a few bob through sheer hard graft and who is not afraid to roll up their sleeves - and give the set a much needed makeover, completely free of charge - then I’m their man."

Sir Norman promised that, if selected, he would not use the opportunity to promote tripe.  He said: "We know from research that tripe is a subject best covered on the radio. It may not be the best-looking meat in the butchers but believe me it has a great personality.  I would also very much welcome the opportunity to meet Evan Davis, of whom I am a great admirer. I have an extensive selection of ties and would be happy to lend him one for the the duration of the series.”

This is not the first time Sir Norman has been associated with a popular TV programme. Last year he was due to appear on the Channel 4 programme Undercover Boss but the programme was never broadcast as Sir Norman was identified within half an hour by eagle-eyed members of staff when his false beard caught fire.

Time To Celebrate Tripe

The Tripe Marketing Board has appealed for celebrity tripe lovers to come out of their kitchens and go public in the campaign to promote tripe.

In the past weeks, a number of sporting celebrities such as Norman Whiteside, Dame Tanni Grey-Thompson and David 'Bumble' Lloyd have admitted publicly that they have eaten - and in some cases love - tripe. As the TMB's campaign to put tripe back on Britain's dinner tables and  TV trays gathers momentum, chairman Sir Norman Wrassle said:

"There's never been a better time to get behind tripe! I can understand the concern many celebrities might have about being associated with a product which, in the eyes of many people, is tasteless.  Surprisingly, many more people are actually disgusted by the thought of eating tripe.  That's why I've asked our communications team to launch Tripe Pride.  Next week, all over Lancashire tripe lovers will be encouraged to wear their Choose Tripe t-shirts and they'll be handing out leaflets and posting stickers on lamp posts to spread the news.  If any celebrities want to get behind the campaign, we'd be glad to have them."

Speaking from Moscow, where he is commencing a three week fact-finding tour of Russia, TMB chief executive Bryan Atkinson said: "There's nothing shameful about eating tripe, or sharing it with someone else - so long as they consent.  We're not long off the day when tripe lovers outside of Wigan, Bury and Burnley can celebrate their love in public, without fear of ridicule or embarrassment."

Tripe Pride will be launched officially tomorrow, when Sir Norman Wrassle speaks to the Chorley WI annual luncheon. 

17 August 2013

Sales of Tripe Up After Media Successes

The Tripe Marketing Board has marked the end of a fortnight of an intensive promotional campaign by launching two special offers to thank all those who have helped make tripe the most talked about food in the media.

Sir Norman Wrassle, chairman of the TMB, said: "Sales of tripe are definitely on the up!  This has been a spectacular fortnight in our 'summer of tripe and sport'. I am pleased to say that Mr David 'Bumble' Lloyd has graciously accepted my invitation to become a patron of the TMB. We are not sure yet what this position will entail, but a tour of tripe stalls in markets across the country has been mooted."

Mr Lloyd's off-the-cuff discussion about tripe during his commentary on the Third Test on Sky Cricket helped remind people of a foodstuff that had long been banished to the back of the butcher's shop.

Sir Norman went on to express his delight at this week finally securing a sponsorship deal with Blackpool South FC.  "This is the icing on the tripe cake as far as I'm concerned. The story made the whole of page three in the Blackpool Gazette on Wednesday and was picked up by some of the London papers the next day. Paul Adams, the chairman of the club, appeared on TalkSport and BBC Radio Lancashire yesterday and it was covered on BBC North West Tonight. It's been a long time since tripe had such coverage and it can only be good for our product."

Sir Norman advised tripe retailers across the north west and the whole of Britain to stock up in readiness of increased demand.   The TMB's marketing advisers, Bootle Boggle Pegotty estimate that the value of the media coverage obtained for tripe over the past two weeks to be in excess of £150.

"As a reward to loyal customers of tripe, I have sanctioned a price-cut on the two books that the TMB have published as part of our strategy to promote tripe subliminally.  I heartily recommend them to tripe lovers the world over," he said.

The Lost Films of 20th Century Spatchcock tells the story of a forgotten north west film studio and has rapidly endeared itself to readers since it was published in July 2013.  Normally £9.99, the book can be purchased here for just £7.99 including UK post and packing.

Forgotten Lancashire and Parts of Cheshire and the Wirral throws new light on a part of the country often shrouded in darkness, particularly between  6pm and 8am. The book has a special offer price of just £7.99 including UK post and packing.

Sir Norman added: "For people who don't like the idea of paying tax or reading books, I have arranged for it to be made available on Kindle for just £1.53, which is about the same as you would pay for a packet of turkey twizzlers at most supermarkets these days."


16 August 2013

TMB Forgives Vegetarian Slur

The Tripe Marketing Board has finally forgiven The Vegetarian Society for describing tripe as "absolutely repulsive".

The Vegetarian Society made these comments in a Daily Mirror article in 2006 in which tripe was described as ‘the most hated dish in Britain.'
Cauliflower


Tripe Marketing Board chairman Sir Norman Wrassle said, “It’s time to draw a line under this matter. Let’s face it, some vegetables are pretty repulsive.  Cauliflower is pretty revolting,  celeriac is no oil painting and as for squash, it’s practically inedible.


“However inexcusable these remarks seemed seven years ago, at a time when we’re actively extending the hand of friendship to vegans, we think it’s time to forgive and forget.”

15 August 2013

"Joint Venture With Date Marketing Bureau The Way Forward" says new CEO

Tripe Marketing Board CEO, Bryan Atkinson has pledged to "bring the TMB into the 20th century".

Speaking on the eve of his fact-finding trip to Russia, Mr Atkinson said: "In the short time I have been with the TMB, I have been able to form a view about some of the changes that are needed to modernise the promotion of tripe."

He identified over-manning and complacency as the twin enemies that had prevented the TMB moving forward.  "On my return, I will be proposing streamlining the Board to improve efficiencies and offering early retirement to all employees over the age of 85.  It is essential we recruit staff from a younger cohort if we are to persuade people that tripe is for the younger generation."

Mr Atkinson suggested the TMB should make a strategic alliance with other marketing boards if it wanted to seize the future.  "Joint ventures with bodies such as the Tunisian Date Marketing Bureau are the way forward, as far as I am concerned," he said.

13 August 2013

New CEO For TMB

Bryan Atkinson
The Tripe Marketing Board has announced the appointment of Mr Bryan Atkinson as its new chief executive.

Mr Atkinson, who lives in Wigan, joins the TMB at a time when prospects for tripe are looking brighter than at any time since 1954.  He replaces Brian Eldridge, who left his position earlier today by mutual consent.

TMB chairman Sir Norman Wrassle said: "I am delighted that Bryan  is joining us. His track record speaks for itself. We believe he is a safe pair of hands and will not only bring stability to the TMB but youth and vigour at a time when we are actively trying to persuade a younger generation to give tripe a try."

Mr Atkinson, who had a successful career in quality assurance with a major north west company and is chair of Embrace, a local charity based in Wigan, said: "I look forward to taking the Tripe Marketing Board beyond its Lancashire heartlands and into new areas of the country. Tripe isn't just for Lancastrians and it isn't just for the over 85s. I am confident that 2014 will be the Year of Tripe."

Mr Atkinson's first engagement will be to give a talk on the future of tripe to the Chorley Women's Institute.  At the end of the week, he embarks on a three week fact-finding trip to Russia.  Mr Atkinson said: "I have absolutely no idea what the Russians think about tripe.  Three weeks should be enough time for me to find out."



The Tripe Marketing Board and Richie Benaud

Tripe Marketing Board chairman Sir Norman Wrassle has ordered an immediate review of the TMB's social media strategy.  The review comes after Sir Norman became embroiled in protracted correspondence with what later emerged as a 'parody' Richie Benaud, rather than with the celebrated Australian cricketer and commentator himself.

Speaking at a hastily arranged press conference as the summer of tripe and sport draws to a close, Sir Norman said: "I am relatively new to the likes of Twitter myself, so can be excused perhaps for not realising that the character on Twitter was not the real deal. But that same excuse does not extend to the many interns and retired tripe dressers who have been assisting us with our @TripeUK Twitter account."

Sir Norman promised that all TMB tweeters would be attending additional training sessions to bring them up to speed:  "I am slightly embarrassed by this unfortunate occurrence.  I knew we were being followed on Twitter by a variety of animals that probably aren't real animals but I had no idea there were fake or parody celebrity accounts out there.  It makes one question the nature of reality. One begins to wonder what is real and what isn't. I have already removed fifteen people from the list of people I personally follow."

Sir Norman had written an open letter to 'Richie Benaud' after comments he had made on Twitter regarding tripe.  A response has been received, which is available here.  Sir Norman said: "It took me several hours to read the letter and as far as I am concerned this matter is now closed."

TMB CEO Leaves By Mutual Consent

Sir Norman Wrassle
Mr Brian Eldridge has left The Tripe Marketing Board by mutual consent.

Both Mr Eldridge and TMB chairman Sir Norman Wrassle were absent from yesterday’s press conference at The Sandgate Hotel Blackpool where it was announced that the TMB will be sponsoring Blackpool South FC for the 2013/14 season.


Mr Eldridge, who only took up the post of chief executive officer yesterday, was unavailable for comment. An announcement will be made regarding his successor shortly.


Sir Norman denied reports in the press that there had been a scuffle outside the hotel. "Brian decided the job wasn't for him and we didn't want to stand in his way. We wish him all the best for the future."

12 August 2013

TMB Announces Sponsorship Deal


BLACKPOOL SOUTH FC


The Tripe Marketing Board is pleased to announce that it has today signed a sponsorship deal with Blackpool South FC for the 2013-14 season.

The deal marks the end of a three year search by the TMB to find a club willing to be sponsored and involves an undisclosed sum.

TMB chairman, Sir Norman Wrassle, said: “We have searched long and hard to find a team of sufficient calibre to wear the Tripe Marketing Board name on their shirts with pride. We realise we may not have the cachet of an AON or an Emirates but we are pleased that the deal has been done.  We are very much looking forward to the start of the season and expect great things from the team.”

Blackpool South chairman, Paul Adams, said: “This was an offer we couldn’t refuse. At first, I was worried that the boys might not want to be associated with tripe, but Sir Norman convinced me that it could actually improve their performance.  They know that if the results don’t go our way, we will be asking them to include tripe in their diet to improve their stamina and fitness levels.”

During the summer, the Tripe Marketing Board  has been busy promoting its product as the ‘food of sporting champions’.  Former Manchester United and Northern Ireland footballer, Norman Whiteside is partial to tripe, while former Lancashire and England cricketer David Lloyd treated viewers to an entertaining discussion on tripe during his commentary on the third Test Match on Sky Cricket when he read out a letter sent to him by Sir Norman Wrassle, to the evident delight of many viewers.   Meanwhile, paralympic gold medallist Dame Tanni Grey-Thompson has confessed to having eaten tripe as a child and has contributed a recipe to the TMB’s forthcoming 2014 Diary.

Sir Norman said: “I have no doubt that many people will find the idea of us sponsoring a football team somewhat amusing.  However, we know from research we have done that promoting tripe as a ‘comedy foodstuff’ is the best possible way to increase sales.”

The sponsorship deal was signed at the Sandgate Hotel, Wellington Road Blackpool.  Neither Sir Norman Wrassle nor Mr Brian Eldridge, the new chief executive officer of the Tripe Marketing Board were able to be present at the event, but Sir Norman went on to take part in an interview with celebrated Cumbrian presenter Mr Graham Swindlehurst broadcast live in the early afternoon. (1hr 9mins in). 

Blackpool South FC play in the Blackpool District League Under 15s (Group B).










11 August 2013

An Open Letter To Mr Richie Benaud

Dear Mr Benaud

Sir Norman Wrassle
I would like to preface my remarks by making it quite clear that I am a great admirer of yours. I have fond memories of your excellent commentaries and charming accent on the BBC throughout the 70s and 80s and wholeheartedly endorse Sri Lankan cricket writer Harold de Andrado who described you as “one of the greatest cricketing personalities as player, researcher, writer, critic, author, organiser, adviser and student of the game.”

Now I have got the pleasantries out of the way, let’s get down to business.


It has been brought to my attention that on 10th August 2013 you tweeted the following message in under 140 characters: James Anderson rated by the English. They also rate tripe.


I can only imagine that by this you mean that James Anderson is not a very good bowler. I will not defend Mr James Anderson. He is Lancashire born, Lancashire bred, strong in the arm and more than capable of defending his reputation, particularly as he is a good seven inches taller and more than fifty years younger than you.


Whilst I acknowledge that you are an expert in cricketing matters, I trust you will concede that I know rather more about tripe than you, having spent more than fifty years in the industry.  It may come as a surprise to you but the tripe industry has been in the doldrums in this country since 1954 when rationing came to an end.  We are, however, fighting the good fight to get tripe back onto the dinner tables of Britain. Thanks to the good offices of Sky Cricket commentator and former Lancashire and England opening bat Mr David Lloyd, tripe is experiencing something of a renaissance.


Your remarks therefore came as something of a disappointment.  I can quite understand that you are probably feeling a little sore because your boys have taken quite a beating but that is no excuse to knock our fine product.


Please do not  think I am anti-Australian. I am most certainly not.  I am a great fan of Neighbours and  Aerobics Oz Style on Sky and once met Olivia Newton-John.  But for some reason which I do not quite understand, Australians seem to have something against tripe. Perhaps they think it is somehow trendy to knock an old fashioned foodstuff?


For your information, back in June, I took former Bee Gee Mr Barry Gibb to task about disparaging remarks he made about tripe on the flagship BBC TV programme The One Show. Mr Gibb subsequently  apologised and has undertaken to take The Tripe Taste Challenge later this year.


Are you, like Mr Gibb, man enough to accept my invitation to take The Tripe Taste Challenge? I am sure you are.


Yours sincerely


Sir Norman Wrassle
Chairman

10 August 2013

Tripe Marketing Board Denies Prejudice Claims

The Tripe Marketing Board has denied accusations that it is prejudiced against vegans.

The accusation was made yesterday by Professor Richard Barker, one of the TMB’s followers, in response to a message which the TMB issued on Twitter in which it appealed for new followers but added the clause “No vegans please.”


The TMB immediately offered to establish diplomatic relations with The Vegan Society  on condition that they made the first move but received no response.


Tripe Marketing Board chairman Sir Norman Wrassle said, “The tweet was simply a bit of fun. We did not think vegans would want to become followers of the TMB. They probably think we are just a bunch of bloodthirsty monsters who gorge themselves on the stomachs of sentient creatures whilst some tripe lovers no doubt view them as a bunch of nutjobs who  wear paper clothes and live off leaves and twigs.


“The Tripe Train experienced technical difficulties last night and was forced to stop at around 8pm. We are not accusing The Vegan Society of sabotage at this stage - it could have been the work of an extremist splinter group after all - but we think the breakdown may not be a coincidence.


“Let me make it very clear. We are not prejudiced against vegans. Many of our followers are vegetarians and there is room on the Tripe Train for everybody, even vegans,  but probably in a separate carriage. We are offering the hand of friendship to The Vegan Society if Professor Barker is prepared to broker peace talks.”

9 August 2013

New Chief Executive Heralds New Dawn For Tripe

The Tripe Marketing Board has announced the appointment of Mr Brian Eldridge as its new chief executive officer. Mr Eldridge, 59, takes over from retiring chief executive, Timothy Flaxton-Buoys, who now works as a consultant with CQC Tripe, offering advice and quality control systems to the north west tripe industry. 

Tripe Marketing Board chairman Sir Norman Wrassle said: "I am delighted that Brian  is joining us. His previous track record speaks for itself. He will bring youth and vigour to the TMB at a time when we are actively seeking to persuade a younger generation to give tripe a try." 

Latest figures from the Office of National Statistics suggest there are almost 62 million people under the age of 85 in the UK.  This represents a huge, untapped market and vindicates the TMB's decision to target the under 85s in its marketing strategy.  

Sir Norman said: "Those working in the tripe industry are not so naive as to believe everyone will enjoy tripe. But if every one of them just gave it a try, think what that could mean for sales.  We're working hard to convince people that tripe is not just for dogs."


Mr Eldridge comes to his new position after a successful career in the pet food industry. He said: "I am delighted to join the TMB at a time when people's interest in tripe is starting to pique a little. I see my job as translating into reality Sir Norman's previously-stated aspiration to make 2014 the Year of Tripe."

Mr Eldridge's first public engagement (diary permitting) will be to join the TMB's Men In White team as they inspect tripe retailers across the north west this weekend.  He will also be announcing the north west football team which the Tripe Marketing Board is sponsoring as part of its ambitious 'summer of sport and tripe' at a press conference to be held on 12 August 2013.



8 August 2013

TV Advert Draws Widespread Complaints

A TV advert in which a man is rushed to hospital after eating a piece of tripe has prompted more than a dozen complaints following the advert's debut on Tripe TV on Wednesday evening.

Tripe Marketing Board chairman Sir Norman Wrassle said “It was just a bit of fun. Tripe is a comedy foodstuff and we use humour as a tool to promote sales.


"It was never our intention to cause offence. We simply wanted to generate lots of publicity for tripe and it appears to have worked.”

Tripe TV is broadcast to around forty households in Accrington and parts of Wigan. No one from Bootle Boggle Pegotty, the agency which created the advert, was available for comment.

6 August 2013

TMB Denies 'Tripe For Tweets' Claims

The Tripe Marketing Board has denied claims that it offered Coronation Street stars tripe for tweets.

A Tripe Marketing Board spokesperson said, “There is absolute no truth whatsoever in these rumours.  Whilst it’s true that we did offer bags of tripe to Corrie stars as a gift, there was no expectation that they would tweet on our behalf. In any case, all the bags of tripe were returned to us unopened.”


In the early 1960s, it was rumoured that the then TMB chairman Edward Lewis offered a Coronation Street producer a 5lb bag of tripe to make a UCP tripe shop the focal point of the street. The producer agreed but had a last minute change of mind when he realised that tripe’s popularity was in decline.


Current TMB chairman Sir Norman Wrassle was unavailable for comment as he was en route to Dhaka, Bangladesh on business. He is expected to make an important announcement regarding the inauguration of World Tripe Day in the next few days.

5 August 2013

Prospects For Play Poor But Prospects For Tripe Excellent

The prospects for play at the Test Match today may be poor but the prospects for tripe are excellent. Sales of tripe have gone through the roof after David ‘Bumble’ Lloyd read out a letter from Tripe Marketing Board chairman Sir Norman Wrassle during his Test Match commentary on Sky Cricket and mentioned it in his column in the Daily Mail.

Chairman Sir Norman Wrassle said, “We appear to have turned a corner and it’s all down to David Lloyd. Tripe sales have been falling since 1952 but retailers have reported a huge increase in sales over the weekend. But we mustn’t get carried away as this could well be a spike.  Nevertheless, I am cautiously optimistic.

“As a token of my appreciation I have arranged for a hamper containing the finest Lancashire delicacies to be delivered by special courier to Mr Lloyd at Old Trafford today at a special 10% discount price, together with a personal letter of thanks.


"If Mr Lloyd needs work during the close season, there's a sales job waiting for him here at the Tripe Marketing Board."

TMB Books, the Tripe Marketing Board’s publishing arm, has also reported a surge in sales of Dr Derek J Ripley’s seminal The Lost Films of Twentieth Century Spatchcock with at least two copies sold over the weekend.


Due to unprecedented media interest in Sir Norman's letter last week, he has agreed that it can be reproduced in full in the Tripe Marketing Board's 2014 Diary, due for publication shortly.


2 August 2013

Tripe Marketing Board's Ticket To Pride

In a break with tradition, the Tripe Marketing Board is to attend this year’s Liverpool Pride celebrations on Saturday 3rd August 2013.

Chairman Sir Norman Wrassle said: “The tripe brand has traditionally stood for old-fashioned values such as hard work, thrift and corporal punishment.   Normally we only attend events such as steam engine rallies, agricultural shows and Crufts.

“However, I have been persuaded that we must move with the times and bring the Tripe Marketing Board kicking and screaming into twentieth century. That is why we must embrace all sections of the community, particularly those which have high disposable incomes”.

The Tripe Girls
The Tripe Marketing Board recently launched a major advertising campaign on selected bus shelters in Manchester and Blackpool in an attempt to promote tripe to a more diverse audience.  Sir Norman said: “We have neglected our friends in the gay community for too long. We need as many people as possible to buy tripe and the pink pound is worth at least 25% more than a standard pound”.

Sir Norman also expressed the hope that gay icons The Tripe Girls would also be attending, but acknowledged that this would be subject to the agreement of the senior matron at their St Annes nursing home.

Sir Norman is a happily married man with two children and will be accompanied to Liverpool Pride by his wife, Lady Cheryl.

1 August 2013

TMB Passes Media Storm Test With Flying Colours

The Tripe Marketing Board has hit back at critics who have accused it of squandering a major opportunity to promote tripe.

Speaking from his Lytham home tonight, Tripe Marketing Board chairman Sir Norman Wrassle said: "Earlier this evening, whilst enjoying the splendid hospitality afforded by Lancashire County Cricket Club, I was made aware that during his test match commentary for Sky Sports, Mr David Lloyd quoted from a confidential letter I had recently sent him.  My displeasure was tempered when I later learnt that, within an hour, our website had received more than 15,000 'hits'.  My communications team advises me that this represents 14,800 more than for the previous two years.


"Unfortunately, whilst this was happening my staff were out of the office attending a training course on How To Deal With A Media Storm held at Samlesbury Hall, near Blackburn.  When they returned to the office at around 5pm, they were uncertain how to respond to the vast number of ansaphone messages, e-mails and faxes we received from media as diverse as the Aspull Argus, the Wigan & Standish Observer and Radio Lytham.
 

"As a result, I diverted our key Twitter personnel to assist with the responses and I am pleased to say that the vast majority have now been dealt with and they will be returning to their normal duties with immediate effect.

"It is not true to say that we have squandered a chance to promote tripe. I believe we dealt with the matter as effectively as we could in the circumstances.  I believe Mr Lloyd's comments today can only be good for our product and I would like to publicly thank him for the service he has rendered us.  We are confident that more people will Choose Tripe than at any time since VE-Day."


It is not yet clear whether Mr Geoffrey Boycott intends to accept Sir Norman's invitation to take the Tripe Taste Challenge.  We hope to be able to make an announcement in due course.