25 May 2017

Exclusive: Britain at risk of rampant veganism if Jeremy Corbyn becomes Prime Minister, TMB chairman warns

Sir Norman Wrassle
Meat eaters would not be safe under Jeremy Corbyn because he cannot take "the difficult decisions" needed when ordering food in a restaurant, the man running Europe's favourite meat-based marketing booard has said.

In an exclusive interview with The Preston Telegraph due for publication tomorrow, Sir Norman claims it is “blindingly obvious” that meat-eaters would be better protected under Theresa May.  In a very personal attack, he questions the Labour leader’s judgment in matters of meat and says he is “not suitable” to take on the responsibilities of being prime minister.

“There are decisions which prime ministers have to take and those people in authority have to take [which] are sometimes very uncomfortable,” Sir Norman says. 

“If they don’t take them, we’re at danger … I know that in a restaurant with Theresa May, she would take them. I’m not sure that Jeremy Corbyn would,” he says. 

The intervention marks a major escalation in the TMB's attempt to paint Mr Corbyn as a vegetarian who would lead Britain down a path of veganism, compared with the “strong and stable” leadership of Mrs May. 

The TMB believe that the Conservatives can make major gains from Labour in northern England as they search for their biggest majority since the days of Margaret Thatcher. "Places like Chorley, Wigan and Preston are natural meat-eating places," Sir Norman said. "We expect they will turn their back on tofu," he added.

Stay Cool As Temperatures Soar!

With most of Lancashire basking in temperatures in the low 20s and expected to soar to as high as 22 degrees by the end of the week, Tripe Marketing Board chairman Sir Norman Wrassle has re-issued the following advice to tripe lovers on how to stay  cool:

1. Let the fire go out or switch off the central heating,
if you have it
2. Open all the windows
3. Take off your cardigan or jumper


“This sort of freak heatwave can easily take older people by surprise so it is important that we follow these few simple ground rules in order to keep cool,” said Sir Norman. “I am pleased that so many young men are walking round our towns and cities with their tops off and I suggest older people follow their example. But please do not do this at work as this may cause offence to your colleagues and may be grounds for dismissal".


Sir Norman emphasised that this advice does not apply to women or to people who live in Carlisle, where temperatures are expected to stay close to freezing for a week or two more.




Anyone still struggling with the heat despite following the guidelines should follow this additional advice: simply put a small sheet of tripe in the fridge and allow it to chill overnight. 

Place it on your forehead and secure with blu-tack or sellotape. This will keep you cool for at least 10 minutes. When it is no longer cold, simply pop it back in the fridge and repeat the process.
 

WARNING: Many people are in the habit of keeping small hand towels or flannels in the fridge for the same purpose.  If you do this, it is important that you do not accidentally mistake the towel for the tripe if you are planning to cook a meal.  Even experts can find it difficult to distinguish between the two, so please consult this handy identification chart.