18 November 2017

Lancastrians accused of 'fixing' tripe poll

Tripe Marketing Board chairman Sir Norman Wrassle has accused a shadowy group of Lancastrian vegans of exerting undue influence on an online poll organised by the TMB.

The poll, which has been running for six days over three rounds, was aimed at finding the most popular venue to host the TMB's public launch of its new book, Forgotten Yorkshire and Parts of North Derbyshire and Humberside.

Suspicious voting patterns
After the first rounds saw the shock elimination of Mexborough and Barnsley, Sir Norman asked for a behind-the-scenes investigation into voting irregularities which revealed suspicious voting patterns that favoured Todmorden, the former Lancashire town that was moved to Yorkshire after local government reorganisation.

Sir Norman said it was clear from the detailed analysis conducted by the TMB that the heavy vote for Todmorden had what he termed "a sinister political undertone" designed to destabilise both the TMB and the fragile peace between Lancashire and Yorkshire.

"For this reason, all votes for Todmorden have been annulled," he said, adding that he had asked the TMB's PR department to make all necessary arrangements to host the book launch at 3pm on Sunday 3 December in Ossett, West Yorkshire.


16 November 2017

OffOffal Rules Against TMB in Landmark Decision

The offal processing industry regulator OffOffal has today issued a ruling that will strictly limit the publicity that the Tripe Marketing Board is able to give the books published by its publishing arm, TMB Books.

The decision, which was made after complaints had been lodged by British Spleen and the UK Federation of Lung Processors, means that the TMB will be able to mention its books in the social media no more than 40 times a day.

File under 'Humour'
Head of TMB Books Sheena Eastham said she was disappointed by the ruling, coming as it did in the crucial run-up to Christmas. "We had just spent a small fortune having a whole suite of  adverts designed and produced ready to launch our full catalogue under the 'A Tripe Book is For Christmas' banner," she said.

TMB chairman Sir Norman Wrassle said he would be lodging an immediate challenge to the ruling and that he had arranged a breakfast meeting with the TMB's legal advisors Young, Gifford & Black. "Now that we are more dependent than ever on our publishing arm to finance our vital work promoting tripe to the nation, this restriction could be a fatal blow to our plans," he said.

He blamed jealousy and envy on the part of other offal promotion organisations, adding: "Everyone knows that the lung people haven't produced a decent book since the 1960s."

Meanwhile, sales of TMB Books' latest publication, Forgotten Yorkshire and Parts of North Derbyshire and Humberside are said to be going well, boosted by the offer of a free TMB pen with every copy purchased direct from the publisher.

The book is due to be publicly launched in Yorkshire on Sunday 3 December 2017, at an event that has yet to be formally announced. "We tend to have to keep these things under wraps until the last minute, because of possible demonstrations by militant vegan groups, but I can promise you we're planning an event people won't easily forget," Sir Norman said.




15 November 2017

TMB grant cut will not impede our work says chairman

A decision by East Lancashire District Council to axe its annual development grant to the Tripe Marketing Board will not be allowed to stand in the way of the urgent need to promote tripe in the months and years ahead, chairman Sir Norman Wrassle has pledged.

Cllr Nigel Farnworth
The decision, which brings to an end a period of support stretching back over three decades, was announced this afternoon by Cllr Nigel Farnworth, leader of the ELDC, who told reporters from the Burnley Argus that the council would not support an organisation that was turning its back on Lancashire and moving to Yorkshire. 

Sir Norman said he was disappointed by the decision, as the £500 received each year from the ELDC had helped put the Lancashire tripe industry 'back on the map'. "Our beating heart will always be in Lancashire, even if our brains and guts are soon to be relocated across the border in Barnsley," he said. "The £500 makes all the difference to our ability to go out and about promoting tripe to our partners across Britain and around the globe," he added.

Sir Norman said that the TMB would have to redouble its efforts to promote the work of its publishing division, TMB Books, as this would now be the sole source of income for the organisation.  "I won't deny that we are batting on a sticky wicket, but with Christmas fast approaching we can only hope that tripe lovers - apart from buying tripe - also decide to stock up on tripe books as gifts for their friends, family, work colleagues, neighbours and close acquaintences," he said, adding "We may otherwise have to cancel one or two of our fact finding trips in 2018, which would be a great shame, obviously."



10 November 2017

TMB chairman 'relaxed' about son's future career choice

Tripe Marketing Board chairman Sir Norman Wrassle has defended comments made in an article written for the popular Yorkshire style magazine Wakefield Tommorrow!, where he said that he doesn’t care what profession his son chooses "as long as he likes tripe."


Sir Norman Wrassle
Sir Norman had said that he is "worried as heck" that his son, Stuart, will turn his back on tripe as he grows older,  “Not only because of how it will ruin his life but because of how it will reflect on me,” he said.

There has been previous speculation that Stuart, who is 48, was being 'groomed' to become the next chairman of the Tripe Marketing Board but, apart from a few occasions when he acted as returning officer for the TMB's popular Tripe Dog competitions, he has shown little inclination to follow in his father's footsteps.

Sir Norman said that he was aware that his son, who currently works as a stock controller for a wholefood retail chain, did not relish the prospect of taking on the mantle of chairman, but he hoped that he would at least demonstrate a liking for tripe. "This isn't a case of 'tripe-shaming'," he said.

He insisted that he will continue to love his son "no matter what," and optimistically concludes that having a son who turns out not to like tripe might ultimately help him overcome some of his own vegan-related prejudices.

8 November 2017

TMB to retain Lancashire base after move to Barnsley

Tripe Marketing Board chairman Sir Norman Wrassle today confirmed that the TMB would retain a presence in Lancashire following the opening of its new operational base in Barnsley, South Yorkshire, later this month.

Speaking from his Lytham home earlier today, Sir Norman said: "We will keep a skeleton staff in Preston for the forseeable future to deal with enquiries, diary engagements and press and media relations".

Innovative advertising
The announcement followed a series of demonstrations outside the TMB's Preston office as locals complained that the TMB was deserting the county.

Sir Norman dismissed a series of parallel demonstrations in Barnsley against the move as the work of militant vegans, who he accused of "whipping up a frenzy of anti-tripe opposition".

Sir Norman said that, by having a presence in both counties, tripe could be "truly TransPennine", comparing it to the railway system that linked Yorkshire and Lancashire.

As evidence of the growth of UK tripe's reach, Sir Norman said that sales of TMB Books' two flagship publications, Forgotten Lancashire and Forgotten Yorkshire, were both on the up as Christmas approached, prompted by innovative advertising in the social media. "Whatever side of the border they come from, a lot of people will be unwrapping a tripe book at the end of December!" he declared.


6 November 2017

Chairman's statement on 'Paradise Papers'

Tripe Marketing Board chairman Sir Norman Wrassle has issued the following statement in response to accusations made in the East Lancashire Cable TV programme Lancashire's Missing Millions which was broadcast last night:


4 November 2017

Chairman apologises to TMB Board members

Tripe Marketing Board chairman Sir Norman Wrassle has apologised to board members who have not yet received a complimentary copy of TMB Books' latest publication, Forgotten Yorkshire and Parts of North Derbyshire and Humberside.

Sir Norman said he was disappointed that the late arrival of stock at the TMB's new offices in Barnsley had prevented the books being distributed to board members in a timely manner. "I know this means that ordinary, common-or-garden tripe lovers who have purchased a copy will have had sight of it before those at the top of the industry - this is quite unacceptable and I'm sorry," he said.

It is understood that a large package of books went missing en route from the printers and the Preston distribution hub used by TMB Books to the TMB's offices in South Yorkshire. "We're not sure who to blame on this one, and current suspects include Lancastrians, vegans and people who don't like tripe," Sir Norman said, adding "but as a purely precautionary measure we have had to let one of our interns go."  

He said that the TMB had placed a new order which meant that the books would be sent to board members and a selected group of minor celebrities "hopefully, before the week is out."
 

3 November 2017

New Fact-Lite history book launched by TMB Books

TMB Books (the publishing division of the Tripe Marketing Board) has today announced the publication of its latest book, Forgotten Yorkshire and Parts of North Derbyshire and Humberside.

Forgotten Yorkshire (RRP £9.99)
The book, by celebrated Ossett librarian Dr. Eric K. Shipley, shines a light on some hitherto unknown aspects of a county which - though the largest in Britain - is a mystery to many.  With chapters on the Yorkshire music scene, profiles of towns and cities such as Ilkley, Scarborough, Hull (and many more), as well as a detailed examination of the age old question 'Was God a Yorkshireman?', this book will appeal to anyone who thinks history shouldn't be dry and dusty.

Commenting on the book, TMB chairman Sir Norman Wrassle said: "We hear a lot in the news these days about ‘fake news’, but rather less about ‘fake history’.  Under my guidance, I'm proud to have steered our publishing division firmly in the direction of what might be termed ‘Fact-Free’ or ‘Fact Lite’ history books".   

The book is currently available to tripe lovers for just £7.99 as part of a launch offer that extends until 7 November 2017.  It will also be available via selected bookshops and tripe retailers, where it will be offered free with every purchase of 50lb of honeycomb tripe.

"Let’s face it, most people are too busy these days to clutter their minds with useless facts, and I feel very strongly that a new approach to history is needed to awaken people’s interest," Sir Norman said.

2 November 2017

Russian vegans suspected of 'fixing' offal poll

Moscow-based members of Мясо - убийство - a shadowy network of Russian vegans that has been targeting meat-based food promoters since 2014 -  has been accused by the Tripe Marketing Board of attempting to undermine the integrity of an online poll to find britain's favourite offal.

The results as they stood at 8pm on 2 November 2017
TMB chairman Sir Norman Wrassle said that the poll, which still has one day left to run, showed all the signs of having been tampered with. In the face of stiff competition from brains, tongue, kidney and spleen, both tripe and liver made it through to the 2017 Grand Final. "Whatever inherent popularity liver may have, there's no doubt that when it comes to personality and looks, tripe trumps it," Sir Norman said.

He was speaking at a meeting of the Westhaughton Ladies' League, where he was guest of honour at their annual AGM and Festival of Flower Arranging, Cooking and Butchery. "We have strong reason to suspect there has been a flood of votes from Moscow with the sole aim of taking the shine off tripe's successful World Tripe Day celebrations last week," he said.

Sir Norman pledged that the vote would be declared null and void if this proved to be the case, adding "At the end of the day, we know liver just isn't that popular."




 

1 November 2017

Tripe Marketing Board to move to Barnsley

The Tripe Marketing Board has revealed that it is to move its operational base to Barnsley, South Yorkshire.


Barnsley - unrivalled access to the A628
Announcing the move last night, TMB chairman Sir Norman Wrassle said, "Barnsley is strategically located between Leeds and Sheffield and offers the TMB the perfect opportunity to expand its influence in the north of England."


The TMB has been based in Preston for many years, but Sir Norman said it was time to show goodwill by reaching across the Pennines to develop new markets.  
"Barnsley will be a fantastic base for our work, offering as it does unrivalled access to the A628, a long history of appreciating tripe and - most importantly - affordable office rents," he said, adding that the news had been kept under wraps "for months" while the TMB installed key security measures to ensure the promotion of tripe could continue free from the fear of attacks from militant vegans, which had been a problem at the Preston HQ. 

The move coincides with the imminent launch of TMB Books' latest publication Forgotten Yorkshire and Parts of North Derbyshire and Humberside, which continues the pioneering 'Fact Free' and 'Fact Lite' approach to charting the history of Britain.  Sir Norman said he had been surprised to learn that some people had bought the book even before it is officially launched.  "I can only think they aren't from Yorkshire, as they clearly haven't  waited until the weekend when we will be offering the book at a special, discounted price," he said.